A Letter to my Dad from New Zealand

Hi Dad

Today marks 27 years since I heard your laugh, saw your face or felt your arms around me. 27 years, that’s a long time. It means that I’ve lived more years without you than with you, a lot more. It still feels surreal.

I was going to write your story today, but I’m not ready yet. I thought I was, but I’m not. One day I will pluck up the courage to go back and immerse myself fully in that day, but today is not that day. Instead of going back there, I’m remembering you as the kind, gentle soul that you were, always putting your family’s wants and needs before your own.

I don’t know why today has been harder than other years. Maybe it’s because I’m in a new country experiencing new things, things we will never share. In South Africa I could go to places to feel closer to you and leave you flowers. I drove on the same roads that you taught me to drive on and I often passed my childhood homes during my day, with all the happy memories that they held. Right up until I left South Africa, I frequented the same shops we shopped at together, all those years ago. I can’t do that here in New Zealand. I know you should be here, but it feels like you’re there.

Here I’m making new memories with my family who you never met. Maybe that’s what’s making me sadder than usual. I’ve broken the only link between you and my BLT, I’ve taken them away from where you were. You would have loved them Dad. I see you in them daily, your mischievous ways, your great sense of humor, your sweet tooth…..

I remember when we used to go on holiday to Amanzimtoti, you used to get up at the crack of dawn and walk along the shore for miles, sometimes as far as Warner beach to bring us a cheesecake, which mom stated was the best she’d ever tasted. You loved the sea and that’s why I know that you would love it here, it’s so beautiful. I think I inherited your love of the ocean because I could walk along the beach all day long, just watching the waves crash, then crawl onto the sand and recede, it’s mesmerizing.

I’ve started to take more of an interest in the beauty of nature, particularly beautiful flowers. I haven’t quite got to the gardening part, but I’m gaining appreciation of how hard you worked to get your dahlias and sweet peas to flower so beautifully and prolifically. There are trees here called Pohutukawa trees (I know, it’s a mouthful to say) but they are spectacular! The flowers are like bottle brush flowers but the trees are bigger. They are referred to as the New Zealand Christmas tree, because they flower over Christmas. You would love them!

I’ve got so many happy memories flowing through my mind right now. I guess what my friend told me years ago is true. You don’t get over the death of a loved one, you just get used to it. I may be used to you not being here, but I’m certainly not over it.

I’m signing off now dad, sorry it’s taken me 27 years to write. Please don’t worry about us, we’re doing well. We love our new country but miss you, mom and our family and friends terribly, but you knew that already. My biggest regret is not knowing you as an adult. There is so much I need to ask you. One day, when we meet again…

Love you Pop

Li