Only the Lonely
I know that I am very fortunate.
I received a good education at a pretty good school, I was fortunate to have a company that believed in me sufficiently to pay for my tertiary studies, which opened the door to management and really good prospects. I was also fortunate to work for a man who not only believed in me, but encouraged me to be the best I could be and showed me that every problem had a solution. I was fortunate to meet and marry an awesome guy and to be blessed with 3 beautiful children. I am fortunate to still have all of my siblings and mother alive and healthy and I am fortunate to live in a wonderful estate where my children can grow up as normally as possible in this sometimes troubled part of the world.
Recently I re-connected with a friend after 20+ years and I realised that I have been living in a bubble. Life has not been as good to everyone as it has to me. My life is so hectic with a husband, children, work, friends and family that I literally had NO IDEA that there were people out there (literally 5 kms from my house) who grew up in the same way as I did, but did not fare so well. Because I have such a full life, I could not grasp the fact that some people have very empty lives. I also battled to come to terms with the number of lonely people there are “out there.”
Now the above-mentioned friend who I reconnected with after many years, spent a fair amount of his free time in bars (he preferred that I call them pubs) but seriously, what is the difference? Anyway, I could never understand the attraction of a smoky, watering-hole and it has taken me over a year to finally understand the attraction. The bars (sorry, I mean pubs) are for lonely people to meet other lonely people. Now before you get all offended that you went for drinks with your mates last week and you’re not lonely and that I shouldn’t tar and feather everyone with the same brush, I am referring to people who I refer to as “Bar-flies.” Bar-flies are people who frequent a drinking establishment every day or almost every day and use it as a crutch because they don’t want to go home to the lives that they have created, or the lack thereof. They also, often lie to themselves, their friends and family about the amount of time they spend in these establishments and that they have come to rely on them to recharge.
A friend of mine met her husband in a bar, so I quizzed him on the subject. Although he spent a LOT of time in bars, he does not fit my “Bar-fly” definition because he made the friends first and then went to the bar, so they would sometimes go and play tennis or do other things together. The bar-flies to which I refer, are the lonely people who strike up conversations with whoever else is at the bar at the time and think they are having a meaningful interaction. One self-proclaimed Barfly admitted that he has hung out with pretty much the same people night after night, week after week, month after month, year after year but they are not his friends! Huh???? He admitted that if he were hospitalised for any reason, he would not expect any of his Barfly “friends” to visit him. I was shocked! Why would anyone spend so much time with people, talk about their lives and innermost thoughts and then not visit their friend when he needed them most? I am obviously a bit slow, because as I said, it has taken me some time to realise that although these lonely people are interacting, they are not connecting. They are not sharing. None of those Bar-flies really know who they are talking to. They are all pretending. They are presenting a persona, an avitar if you will, of themselves. They have personal walls that they put up to protect themselves, their feelings and their real lives and only share the parts that they want their bar-friends to know, some truths, some lies.
This has disturbed me enough to write about it.
I have always had a knack of sorting out other people’s problems and I would love to be a Life Coach, but realistically I don’t really see that happening in the near future (I’d need another 10 hours in my day), however I do amateur Life Coaching as a hobby and the more I see of this bar-world, the more I worry about what people are going through in their daily lives. The man who considers himself a Barfly, has admitted that he loves political writing and I’ve read some of his work and it’s really good! He often writes open letters which are published in the newspapers and in fact he’s even written four chapters of a book, but he hasn’t finished it…… yet. He is twice divorced with grown up children and grandchildren who live a fair distance away, but what does he do after work instead of completing his book? He goes to “the pub.” This is what I battle to understand. Are the lonely getting lonelier? Logically they must realise that they are spending their time with people who do not care about them, but they still invest years of their spare hours into these non-relationships.
Well the friend that I mentioned earlier, who I reconnected with after 20+ years, he was on the verge of suicide and he reached out to me in the early hours of the morning when he was about to do the deed. Me. Someone he knew 20 years ago. It made no sense to me. He had been out with his Barfly friends and couldn’t even tell them what he was planning when he got home. I spent hours, days, months trying to help him and fortunately he did not go through with the suicide. He started studying, he started gaining a new interest in cooking and his family. He began opening up his life to new possibilities and things were looking good. He started looking after his health needs and even started sounding positive about life. He became a better father and son and even started having dinner with his parents once a week…….. until he got sucked right back in. One call from an “ex-girlfriend” put him right back where he was. The ex-girlfriend, an alcoholic, needed money and wanted attention and a drinking buddy. My friend fell right back into the old routine. He stopped studying and has wasted yet another year of his life with nothing to show for himself. He has gone off the rails and is headed down a new path of self-destruction.
This leads me to my conclusion, which is actually a question – are Barflies lonely because they choose to be? I work hard at maintaining friendships because I enjoy them. I enjoy interacting with my friends, knowing about their trials and tribulations and I am comforted that I can share my problems with them in return. If ever I need some human interaction, or I need to off-load I don’t have a meaningless discussion with the first person who greets me in a bar, I pick up the phone and arrange a time and date with a friend. We then are able to discuss the details of our lives, and if the problem is not solved, at least we would have had a good few laughs about it and found the strength to carry on. If a friend was hospitalised, I’d be there for them and they’d be there for me. Are these Barflies scared to connect? Is it too much of a commitment to have and retain a real friendship? Are there underlying social and or psychological issues here that prevent them from wanting a long-term relationship?
I started this post by admitting how fortunate I am. Maybe I have had an easier path than others and maybe I just don’t understand. If you have any thoughts or input on this topic, I’d love to hear them because I realise that I may be judging harshly. Maybe there is a viewpoint out there that makes sense. I sure hope so.
PS After I’d written this post, I hadn’t finished so I then wrote a sequel. Click here to read it – Only the Lonely Part 2
Great perspective Lisa! Ross and I have spoken about these barfly types often. He used to work at News Caf̩, and 10 years later, the same guys are still going there, meeting up with each other, talking, spending their entire evenings together, yet they hardly know any intimate details of each other's lives, and certainly could not be called true friends, or relied upon as one would a true friend. You hit the nail on the head when you said people don't want to go home to the lives they've created. It's an escape from reality. And whilst there's nothing wrong with temporary escapes from reality (a good book, a reality tv drama, a coffee date with a friend that might distract you from a problem you're having for a short while), these things are harmless, and generally non addictive! It's when you're partaking in behaviour night after night that is adding nothing new and positive into your life, but instead sucking away the very life from your existence, that it's dangerous. But people only do things that give them some kind of a pay off, even if that pay off is a negative one. Thanks for sharing this Lis Рas always your blogs give great perspective and food for thought. xxxx
Lis, as always, a thought-provoking piece. My dad is a barfly – growing up, my sis & I were well used to being fetched from school and taken to the old Fourways Hotel where we would spend the afternoon sitting in the car while my dad was inside with his chommies. Hours would go by before he emerged to take us home – usually only after my mom had gotten home & phoned the pub to tell the barman to please send Dad on his way. My mom changed jobs so she'd be able to fetch us from school, but this just freed my dad up to start his daily "networking" earlier. She worked her butt off running their construction company on the fly & holding down a "regular" job to keep food on the table. (This was in the days before celphones, faxes & computers!) When my dad ended up in hospital with pancreatitis, she put her foot down & for a while he gave up the drinking & things settled into a semblance of normalcy. Then he met a woman who was a typical enabler, & the wheels fell off. My mom couldn't take it any more & after 25 years of marriage, kicked him out – he moved straight in with "her" & went back to his drinking. Together, they drank, partied & holidayed their way thru the savings, investments & policies my mom had spent so many years working towards & when the money ran out, they split up. Through all of this, my mom struggled to raise 2 daughters with no maintenance. My dad is now destitute & alone. Fools that we are, we have taken him back into our lives & provide for him. We have become his enablers – but what are we supposed to do? Let him be homeless? We do our best to limit his drinking – he doesn't get any cash out of us & we deliver his food to him since he cannot be trusted not to take any money we give him & head straight to the Keg. As it is, we've caught him selling the home-made meals we make for him to the gate guard for money for booze & smokes! Not a day goes by that I don't ask all the same questions you pose…
WHY, when he has 2 beautiful daughters, 2 amazing sons-in-law and 2 precious, adorable grandsons does he turn down our invites to dinner & spend the evening at home with only the TV & a 6-pack for company? WHY, when he has had 2 massive operations this year & the Doc has warned him that continuing to live this way will result in him having both legs amputated & spending the rest of his life in a wheelchair, does he shrug it off & head straight outside to light up? WHY, when both his grandsons' faces light up at the sight of him, can he not be bothered to make the 1km journey from his flat to their house to see them? WHY does he continue to hang out with similar low-lifes who have nothing to offer & when the crunch comes, are nowhere to be found? I ask myself these questions every day, and recently I have considered taking myself off to therapy, since the whole situation is slowly killing me, my family & my marriage. I know it's not me, not my sister, not my mom….it is NOTHING we have done or haven't done. My dad, like so many others like him, is flawed – and he sees nothing wrong with the way he lives his life so he sees no reason to change. It is up to us, the "victims" in all this to take a decision to limit how much time / energy / emotion & money we are prepared to spend on him & to stand together, draw strength from each other & step back. We have OUR lives to live. My sister & I found a quote not so long ago, & have decided to adopt it: Sometimes you have to move on without certain people…..if they're meant to be in your life, they'll catch up.
I'm sorry to have hijacked your blog with a therapy-blog of my own. Clearly, I need to get to that therapist sooner rather than later! Kudos to you for attempting to make a difference in this guys life, but please please be careful that you are not sucked in too deep. You will drive yourself to distraction trying to figure out the answers…..when in reality there probably aren't any!
OMW!! I can't believe that you had to endure that kind of abuse. I'm so so sorry. It's taken me a while to digest this information as everything you have written reminds me of my friend. You are in a difficult predicament because as you say, your life and family comes first BUT you know that when it was your dad's turn, his family came last, but you feel obligated to help him in his time of need, when I bet none of his "chommies" are beating down the door to help him.
Your response has saddened me because I was hoping that I was missing something, but your story brought it home loud and clear. This is the future life of my friend 15 years from now. Your last comment really hit home. I was being sucked into this murky world, but luckily I had the sense to get out. One specific incident eventually opened my eyes and made me realise that I was being taken for a ride, my kindness and caring was met with growing neediness and deception. We are no longer in contact and to be honest (and I'm not proud of it) I have mixed feelings about my involvement. I have helped him to overcome his problems, thereby allowing him to go forward and instead of him coming out a better person, he is taking advantage of new, unsuspecting people and continuing to hurt his family, especially his children and this breaks my heart. I have had to distance myself for my own sanity.
You hit the nail on the head, the answers that I am looking for, will remain unanswered, and as uncomfortable as that makes me feel, (I like closure) perhaps the lesson for me is that I can't save the world, but I will continue to try to make a positive difference in people's lives, on my own terms.
Thank you for your comments, you can hijack my blog any day, I really appreciate the response. Maybe you should even start one of your own? It can be quite cathartic (and cheaper than a therapist 😉 x
Me again 😉 Don't be sad – treat this as a learning experience. You will continue to be a loving, giving wife, mother, teacher and friend and you will come across many people in your life who need AND DESERVE your time and help. This little detour you took has opened your eyes to the fact that while everyone deserves a second chance, there is a limit to how far you are willing to go….when 2nd chance becomes 3rd, 4th or 5th chance, it's time to close the door and walk away. That's the closure part!
My sister and I often talk about our childhoods and for both of us, it took a while for us to even realise that our lives were different. I guess as kids we just assumed that everyone's Dad's lived in the pub too. And yes, once we realised we were "different" it did affect our social lives somewhat. It sometimes seemed as if we grew up in a parallel universe – but I would never consider my childhood unhappy. Unsettled perhaps, but not unhappy. It would be very easy to let all this drag us down and it would be an excuse we could very easily use to justify living similar lives and not living up to our potential. But the thing is, in all this beer-soaked craziness, we were also really blessed. My mom is an incredible lady who passed on to us a solid foundation of love, honesty and determination. My dad, flawed as he is, taught us that there is always someone less fortunate than you – can't tell you the number of times he brought home strays – people, dogs and once even a horse 😉 We had bad times for sure, but we also had a lot of great times and this is what we've chosen to carry forward. People come into our lives for a variety of reasons – sometimes you learn more from a person on what NOT to do, or how NOT to live than the other way round, but either way, every interaction we have is part of our life experience. It's up to us to draw from these interactions what serves us well and to discard the rest. And that is enough philosophizing for so early on a Saturday morning 😉
Thanks for your comments Kerry. This blog has sparked a lot of debate amongst my friends. Sadly it seems that there are a lot of lonely people who like to put on a social mask, talk to others with no pressure to be anything more than a person to talk to for a period and then go home. The consensus is that this behavior allows you to live in a twilight zone where you're not reminded of your failures and shortcomings and gives an excuse to not expect more of yourself. x