Comedy Central
This is a continuously updated post of cute, funny and amazing things said by and discussed with my BLT…..
April 2019
Tomato (age 12) trying to be grown up and casually mention salmonella poisoning. She started with “armadilla” poisoning and then when she tried again later she called it “Smell Mandela” poisoning!
February 2019
Lettuce (7): I’m getting Tomato some water to take to her outside.
Me: Don’t let her spray you with it
Lettuce: Seriously mommy, she’s thirsty, I saw her throat,it’s dry!
January 2019
We were driving back from holiday and I handed Hubby a cold drink. Lettuce (7) from the back shouts “Daddy! No drinking and driving!”
*****
Lettuce (7) gazing out the car window: Look! A pile of cows!
December 2018
Lettuce (7) to Bacon: I can’t find my shoes, I’m just going to go commando
November 2018
Bacon explaining to Lettuce how to hold his paper when he draws. She didn’t know the words for landscape or portrait so she uses “bath” (landscape) and “shower” (portrait).
October 2018
Me to Lettuce: Go shower
Lettuce (6): But there’s a daddy with long legs in the shower
September 2018
Me: What should we have for dinner?
Bacon (10) asks Lettuce: Quick, name a food that you like to eat!
Lettuce (6): a booger
June 2018
Bacon (10): Ewww Lettuce is eating snot
Lettuce (6): No I’m not! I’m eating the stuff I just coughed up.
*****
Tomato: Let’s call Bacon Tim
May 2018
Lettuce (6): My teacher was sick so she stayed home today
Me: Oh dear, I hope she’s ok, who taught you at school today
Lettuce: I have a spare teacher
March 2018
I was preparing crumbed calamari rings for the first time. Lettuce (6) asked me what was for dinner so I told him it was crumbed fish so as not to freak him out that he would be eating octopus, which Tomato was dying to tell him. He spotted me taking them out of the oven and became super excited and said “wowee we’re having donuts of fish for dinner!”
December 2017
Lettuce (6): Mommy what can I blow up?
November 2017
Lettuce: I want to fly. But I don’t want to be a bird because I don’t want to have to eat vomit when I’m small.
September 2017
Lettuce asked “are there weekends in New Zealand?
August 2017
In the car with Lettuce and he shouts “there’s a Ferrari,” I was concentrating on the intersection so I asked “what color is it?” His reply? “snot color” Later I saw the car was luminous green, if his snot was that color he would be hospitalized!
July 2017
The cousins are here from the US so the kids are all sleeping together on the floor. We’re doing our prayers as usual but it is very late. Tomato asks for the flight not to be delayed tomorrow as the other cousins are going home to Cape Town. Bacon asks what delayed means, so I said “it means it’s late.” We carry on to the next person who now says the same thing about the flight. Bacon pipes up, “I don’t know why you won’t just tell me.” Huh? “Why won’t you tell me what delayed means, so I go into a long explanation about what it means and she said “oh, I thought you didn’t want to tell me because it was late and we needed to go to bed.” She thought instead of answering her question, I was reprimanding her and telling her – “it’s late!!
June 2017
Bacon wanted to ride on the kiddy rides at a restaurant. I told her that she should use her own money for that. Her response “I don’t want to waste my money.” I laughed and replied “Then why should I use mine?” Her response? ” You waste yours anyway on stuff like food.”
Tomato: “Are you going to have any more children?”
Me: “No. Three is plenty. Why?”
Tomato: “We need 2 more children because in my game I need a servant and a dog.”
Bacon and Lettuce were annoying me at dinner time by pretending their food was alive and the food on Lettuce’s fork was talking to the food on Bacon’s fork. I told them to stop playing with their food and eat properly. Lettuce asked if his food could say goodbye to Bacon’s food before they stopped playing so I reluctantly agreed. Lettuce’s food says to Bacon’s food “Bye bye see you in the toilet!”
May 2017
Lettuce, as I was dropping him off at pre-school “Mommy when you fetch me, remember I’m the one in the white shirt.” then he thinks for a bit and adds “it might be brown when you fetch me but it will still be me.”
Lettuce’s class at pre-school has an incubator with eggs in it, and the children are very excited waiting for them to hatch. Lettuce rushed over to me on the first day shouting “we’ve got an incubaker in our class.” I corrected him but on second thoughts, I think it SHOULD be called an incubaker lol.
I say “who wants to be of assistance in the kitchen?” Bacon shouts, jumping up and down “me, me!” I happily thank her and ask if she’s ready to start and she says “what’s assistance?”
Bacon and Lettuce are in the car and discussing the fact that Autumn leaves the trees naked. Lettuce asks Bacon “what happens if a tree needs to get married in winter? It will have to be naked!” Bacon smoothly responds “But it’ll marry another tree, so that tree will also be naked and all the guest trees will be naked, so it’ll be fine.”
Lettuce was zipping and unzipping a pencil bag and said dreamily “hmm zips are magical!”
March 2017
Lettuce was learning about white couples who adopt black babies (like his friend.) Then he saw a bi-racial couple and he asked innocently “wow, when did she adopt him?”
February 2017
I was on the phone when I heard the words that I never thought I’d hear….. “Mommeeeee!!! Lettuce is peeing on us from the balcony!” Sure enough that is what he was doing. When I reprimanded him he said solemnly, “I wasn’t aiming at them.”
December 2016
Lettuce (5): If you don’t let me watch TV I’m going to shake my p#nis at you!
I cut Lettuce’s hair very short and I can’t stop feeling it. When he wasn’t listening and spent some time in time-out, which he hadn’t for a while, I went to explain why he was on the step and he said he understood but as I walked away he said “but now you’re not allowed to touch my hair anymore!”
November 2016
Tomato (10): Nobody wants to play with me, I have no friends (crying)
Bacon (8): I’ve got no friends so I play with my shadow
Lettuce (5): why does everyone want to play with me? I’m only one person, I can’t play with EVERYONE (crying)
July 2016
Lettuce (4): Mommy were you friends with daddy when you got him?
June 2016
Lettuce (4): Daddy’s p#nis is all bumpy but mine is smooth and nice. I like my p#nis
February 2016
Lettuce trying to say “pyramid” and calls it “pyramint” “parachute” is a “parrot shoot”
Lettuce remembering that he got a car at Mema’s somnil (funeral).
September 2015
Tomato moaning about homework “aaagghhhh I’d rather eat spinach than do this!”
August 2015
We changed the tunnel configuration of Super-stripe the hamster’s cage. BL and T had to put the cage back on the counter. Panic ensued because it wouldn’t fit under the cupboard where it usually sat. By the time I got there Tomato was saying “wow Lettucy that is VERY clever” he had told them to turn it around so it slid under easily. He is only 3.
Bacon had a friend over to play. Tomato kept taking over so Bacon was in tears. I had to take Tomato aside and explain to her that it is her sister’s turn to play with her friend and to let them play their own games. Tomato went upstairs and started mournfully singing “do you wanna build a snowman?”
July 2015
I was teaching the kids to sing Kumbaya. So I sang the line and then pointed to each child to sing the “Kumbaya” bit. The girls each did theirs and then when it came to Lettuce, he couldn’t quite understand the word so he sang “cucumber.” It was so cute but when we all laughed he went and sat on the step and cried.
My little dude (3yo) runs into my office, puts this down on my desk and whispers urgently “mommy, look after my snail” before running off. Lol
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| Lettuce’s snail |
June 2015
Every morning on the way to school there is a man handing out pamphlets on the road. The kids have made it into a game to get a pamphlet. Lettuce got his first one and brought it home saying “I got my pamflip”
Tomato complaining that she doesn’t want boiled eggs for lunch any more. “They make me toot (fart) and then the toot smells the same as the egg!”
May 2015
When I went to check on Lettuce tonight he had put on his own socks and new shoes!
April 2015
Lettuce was playing nicely with an older boy, the brother of Tomato’s friend. Then he asked him “will you marry me?”
March 2015
Lettuce came running inside shouting excitedly “Daddy’s got new wheels!” (he is crazy about any kind of wheel). When Hubby came inside he explained sheepishly “I took my car for a wash and now they’re silver again instead of black!”
Overheard tonight Tomato telling Bacon “I really love my bed but I love chocolate too” like mother like daughter!
February 2015
Every time we drive past a Mercedes Benz van, hubby ooohs and ahhhs over it and the kids now point them out whenever we see one. Tonight while I was lying with Bacon she asked me why Daddy didn’t buy the van and I told her because it is very expensive. She thought for a while and said “Daddy can have all of my money that I’ve saved in my piggy bank, there’s quite a lot in there.” Awwwww
January 2015
In the car Tomato (8) was telling us a story about her friend, when she added “well she wasn’t really a friend, more of an acquaintance really.” Hubby and I had a chuckle because we didn’t even know that she knew the word acquaintance, but she had used it correctly. Bacon who was dozing, heard us chuckling but hadn’t heard what Tomato said so she shouts out “what is so funny about coitis??” Well then hubby and I collapsed!!
Lettuce runs into hubby’s office while I was working in there and says “I want the mini mote with the pink button” he means the remote control for the air conditioner.
December 2014
I said to Lettuce “go to the toilet before bed” to which he replied
“I did already!”
“When?”
“When I was in the bath with Bacon” Oops!
November 2014
Bacon was complaining that she couldn’t brush her hair on her own because it had too many knots in it. Meanwhile her brother was happily brushing his short hair without a problem. He turned to me and said “girls have a lot of snots in their hair, but not boys! Boys have no snots!”
Lettuce had removed his pants and undies and was standing bare-bummed, holding his pants over the sprinkler nozzle which was spraying, making his pants soaking wet. Tomato came outside and saw this and said to us “geez guys, you really did a good job raising him, now didn’t you!!?”
Overheard this morning “don’t worry Lettuce, we’ll just hide your p.enis so that you look like a girl!.” The girls were playing Mommy and they wanted a girl baby! Not sure how they were going to do this! *hiding the duct tape*
September 2014
Dot-the-domestic was ill for almost 2 weeks so we had to fend for ourselves (shock-horror) so when daddy came downstairs in the nude, the kids were a little taken aback. He went to the clean-but-not-yet-folded laundry basket to rummage through for clean undies. Little Lettuce was behind him, watching him leaning over the basket and said innocently “daddy why does your p$nis look like an ice-cream?” We all collapsed laughing! Dad loved it when he added “a BIG BIG ice-cream!” LOL
“Privates” seem to be a hot issue at the moment. I was changing Lettuce’s nappy and Bacon was there. She said “you’ve got a baby p$enis boy” to which he replied ” I got a big big p$enis” Dad was again thrilled to hear that Bacon responded with “no Bubby, Daddy’s got a big one but yours is a little one.”
The whole family is sick with chest infections and high temps. Last night Lettuce woke up screaming and it took me a while to wake up from my drug-induced deep sleep. By the time I got there he’d stopped crying, which is strange so I was worried. He was fast asleep. Tomato called me and said “don’t worry I calmed him down and he went back to sleep” I was so grateful and she just said “that’s what big sisters are for. We’re not here for nothing you know!” Little super-star, especially since her temperature was one of the highest.
Last night little Lettuce had another night terror. When I got to him he was sobbing. I picked him up and cuddled him and he just kept repeating over and over again “Mommy! There’s no yoghurt in the fridge! There’s no yoghurt in the fridge!” Obviously catastrophic for the little guy to run out of his favorite treat.
Today Bacon caught sight of herself in my rear view mirror as she got into the car. She smiled at her reflection and said so innocently “God made me so beautiful, and I’m quite cute too!!”
Lettuce said to me loudly “I want cock porn” meaning popcorn *gulp*
- What does education mean?
- Why do we blink?
- Does 2 plus 2 equal 4?
- How does a car go?
- Why do you have to turn the steering wheel?
- Why do we have to breathe?
- Why do we need snot?
May 2014
Mother’s Day:
T: I love you more than the salt in the ocean
B: I love you more than purple
T: I love you more than the stars in the sky
B: I love you more than my purple shoes
T: I love you more than the whole world
B: I love you more than my boots
T: I love you more than Spur!
I think they love me :-p
April 2014
Bacon told me that she didn’t want to turn 6. I told her that she would have a party so maybe 6 isn’t such a bad idea. She thought about it and then said “Ok Mommy I’ll have the party but please remind me to turn 6 cos I might forget!”
March 2014
I say to Lettuce: “thank you my chicken” he says “I not a chicken, I Lettuce!”
Later I say “hello sweetie” he says “I not a sweetie…….. I want a sweetie”
Dot-the-domestic says “Hello Baby Boy” he replies “Hello Baby Dot”
Now it’s “Hello Big Boy” – he says “Hello Big Dot”
I was in the shower and Lettuce came running in shouting “mommy, mommy, mommy!” I opened the door a crack and said “yes boy?” He beamed and said “I wuv you” and puckered up for a kiss. *heart melts*
January 2014
Bacon said “Why does Daddy wear a towel when he gets out of the pool at Granny and Grampa’s house?” Me “because he takes off his costume and he doesn’t want to walk around naked.” Bacon “Why not? Granny used to change his nappies, she knows what he looks like naked, anyway we’ve ALL seen him naked so it’s just silly that he hides his privates when we’re there!”
Bacon on Christmas Eve “please make sure daddy doesn’t snore tonight, I want to listen out for sleigh bells”
Toilet training day 3: Lettuce gives me a little smile while I’m on the phone and proceeds to wee onto the strip of plugs!! Luckily they were all off at the time or the result may have been shocking.
“Thank you for giving me the name Tomato mommy, it’s a really lovely name” awww how cute is that?
September 2013
After I excitedly pointed out the Gautrain to Tomato, she asked “why do they call it a cow train?”
April 2013
Bacon: “Mommy why did God put you in charge?”
Tonight hubby and I were kissing in the kitchen. The girls were horrified! Tomato was shrieking “eeeeeew stop!!” We carried on to see what they would do so Bacon had her hands over her eyes and asked her sister “has it ended yet?”
March 2013
You know you’re living in the techno-age when you’re reading a story and your 4yr old shouts “pause” so she can run to the loo and then comes back and shouts “ok play again”
Tomato (looking at a rude Mordillo puzzle): Mema look here, this man is smelling that lady’s (va)gina
Bacon (4): I need white high heels for when I marry Gregan
November 2012
Bacon: if a dog eats too many sausages it turns into a sausage dog. Gotta love 4 year old logic
Tomato and Lettuce got their first pet, a bunny, today. Tomato firstly was so happy she cried and then she ran into the road and told nobody in particular “I have a pet!!!! It’s a bunny!!”
April 2012
Bacon “Mommy please can I play on your iPod?”
Me “No you and your sister have had enough screen-time today”
Bacon arguing “I’ve been good, I haven’t had any scream-time today!!”
We were chatting in the car today and Tomato asked what speed I was going, so I told her 80. She said we should rather go at 40 so I said “40 is very slow”. She thought for a while and then said “how old are you again Mommy?” What do you thinks she’s trying to say????
*****
Tomato decided she wanted to wash up today. She was so excited that she wanted me to come and see but I was Skyping with Dororthy in Oz. Hubby told her that I was on the phone and she said “no she’s not!!” so he tried to tell her that I was busy but she said “She is on Skype, do you think that you can see people when you phone therm? No, that’s Skype!!”
*****
Bacon all of 3 years old goes outside with her sister and stops, takes a deep breath and says “What a beauuutiful day”
Tomato seeing a pregnant lady’s tummy and then looking at mine . “Mommy why do you still have Lettuce’s house?”
Tomato tells me that she dropped her water bottle in the toilet at school today. I said “oh yuk we better Jik it when we get home” so she says “No don’t worry mommy it still tastes fine!” Lovely and I gave her a huge hello kiss!!
October 2011
Tomato overheard me telling Hubby last night that his Facebook wall is so active it’s blocking up my newsfeed. Very seriously she asked “why are you going to unlike Daddy?”
*****
Bacon was very grumpy with a girl who pushed her. She calls her her enemy! I told her that’s not nice, then she said that’s her name. Took me a while but figured out her name is EMILY!
July 2011
Interesting question from Tomato (5) in the car this morning: Mommy how nice is it to be you? Makes you think, how nice IS IT to be you?
*****
I thought I had a couple of years before my 5 year old knew more than me! Today she showed me a pic of a dinosaur and proudly told me it is a Triceratops!! A what??
*****
Tomato (5): Where do you get a baby?
Me: it grows from a seed in your tummy.
T: how does the seed get in your tummy?
Me: Daddy puts it there.
T: How?
*deathly silence*
T: Do you swallow the seed?
Me (battling not to laugh): yes.
T: but you just swallow daddy’s seed, you don’t chew it hey?
OMW!! Haven’t stopped laughing since!!
June 2011
Bacon (2) screaming: “I don’t wanna sleep” full tantrum, kicking and screaming. Where is she now? Lying face down on the carpet in her bedroom fast asleep! Parenting is not for sissies!!
*****
It is apparently not only “unasseptable” that I am allowed juice with dinner and Tomato only water but “TOTALLY unasseptable.” Said juice was exiting via my nostril after that comment!
*****
Tomato to Bacon “what’s that great smell?”
Bacon “the wee in my nappy.” (lovely!!)
T: “no the yummy smell”
B:”that’s dinner.”
Wait til they realise it’s butternut soup – won’t be so great then 😉
*****
Bacon was looking at herself in the mirror singing the Barney song “I love you, you love me” I thought how cool, such great self esteem! Then she switched to baa baa black sheep.
There goes that theory!
May 2011
Just checked on little Bacon. She was fast asleep sans her fleecy winter PJs which were merrily replaced by her favourite flimsy summer skirt! She was icy.
April 2011
Bacon is potty training. Sitting on the loo she says “you can’t put wee on a doggy” so I agree that would be bad. I pass her the paper to wipe and she refuses because the paper has doggies on it!! Darn good point, why the hell do we have dogs on our toilet paper??
March 2011
Tomato: “I can’t find the tortoise that the gardener saw last week” Me: “It must have decided to go home, he was only visiting” Tomato: “But his home is on his back!” Oops!
February 2011
Tomato (4):”Our car is so pretty Mommy, nobody else has a rainbow on the back window.” Oops! I guess it’s time to wash my car!
*****
While we were walking to the pool, me in my sarong, sun hat and cossie, Bacon said
“Mommy you look just like a princess.” Tomato stopped dead in her tracks, had a good look at me and said
“You really do Mommy.” Thanks sweeties xxx
*****
Bacon (2½): “I need to wipe I’ve got beefroot on my hands.”
Well at least she’s eating her beefroot.
January 2011
Tomato looking all over my stomach “Mommy where is the scar where Bacon and me came out?”
Me “Ummm don’t know where it went now…..”
*****
Tomato: “Mommy why did the dinosaurs die?”
Me “Um..”
Tomato: “An asteroid hit the earth and froze everything, silly”
Me: “Oh yes now I remember” *gulp*
*****
Starting with “I eat waterlemon” (read watermelon) this morning, to having my face gently stroked, followed by a noisy looong wet kiss tonight, this mommy is counting her blessings.
“Just getting the knots out” says Bacon brushing my leg. Oops better book that wax
December 2010
My 5 year old niece sitting on the couch and me leaning over the table to give her a drink: “Aunty Lisa when you lean forward I can see your boobs”. Thanks Sweetie!
*****
“What happens if I never get a boyfriend?” not words that I was expecting from my 4 year old Tomato!! She suddenly realised that her daddy is my “boyfriend” not hers!
Note to self: never try to explain date night to a 4 year old. Sneak out like a teenager!
*****
Family nudist camp was open today. Got back from a party, both girls stripped off and REFUSED to get dressed. They then painted each others faces and bums and did a parade for Grandma! Sorry mom, don’t know who brought their mother up so badly 😉
*****
Me “Come on girls it’s bed time” Tomato “No thank you Mommy!” Polite rebellion.
November 2010
I have been spotted licking my knife (by the midget police) and this is VERY naughty. I now have to go to time out because I just don’t LISTEN!! Woohoo 39 minutes (1 for each year of my age) on the step without being talked to, not doing anything and nobody is allowed to come near me!! Tomorrow I’m gonna play with matches 😉
*****
Me to Tomato while I’m digging in my bag for coins “What are you going to wish for in the wishing fountain?”
“A new baby sister called Rainbow!!!”
Me: “Oops sorry sweetie I can’t find a single coin! Dodged a bullet there!!
*****
Tomato (4): “Mommy, I want a new baby sister but this time I want a brown one!”
Wonder if she’s still gonna call her Rainbow??
October 2010
4 Year old Tomato to her 2 year old sister while staring out the window
“Isn’t it interesting how the Hadedas are big when they’re close and get smaller when they fly away.”
We better start saving for varsity!!!
September 2010
We have a story book that I read to the children quite often. It is about Mickey Mouse who is asked by his friend to look after his pet shop while he is away and some of the pets escape and scare a customer but it ends so nicely with Mickey taking a puppy as payment and that puppy is Pluto. Such a cute story. Tomato asks after I finish reading.
“Why is that lady scared of the mice running around the shop?
So I explain that some people don’t like mice and although they are harmless, some people just get a fright. I thought I was home free until she said
“Then why isn’t she scared of Mickey? He’s a mouse!”
*speechless*
December 2008
I was getting ready for work and had just stepped out of the shower. Tomato arrived and came face to face with my privates. She took one look and said “woof woof” which is the sound she makes when I show her a dog in a story book!!
August 2007
We were at a funeral for one of my mom’s best friends. The minister, coming to the end of his sermon, was saying “ashes to ashes, dust to dust…….” Tomato yells out “bye bye!!”